Jaws Bit My Sister’s Nose by Camillus John



Jaws bit my sister’s nose.
Has Jaws bit your nose yet?
Maybe that’s your problem, bud.
I was nine and she was six.
I was holding her hand.
The school across the road projected films
in the assembly hall every Saturday afternoon.
This week it was Jaws.

We were sitting halfway up
the strawberry jam-packed hall
and looking up at the big screen
peeping through the trembling fingers
we’d covered our eyes with
and getting hit by popcorn
on the back of our heads.
Finally, Jaws Glasgow-kissed up out of the water
and nearly out of the screen like a fish Dracula.
Everyone screamed their tongues out of their heads. 
Some people’s noses sneezed off their faces
and ran away with the tongues.

Cool Steve from my class,
who does great smurf impressions,
well, both his ears fell off and onto
the multi-coloured sweet-wrapper floor.
At this moment my sister had a nosebleed
and I was forced to bring her outside and
hold her hand until it stopped
because I was her big brother.

At first, I didn’t want to
because I’d miss the film.
I’d already missed a few blokes
getting their hearts ripped out
and eaten by Fish Dracula
when I had to take her to the jacks
ten minutes ago.
It was so unfair.

But I went outside with her no problem
to clean her up and get her some fresh air,
I did my duty gladly,
and made sure she was okay.
When we came back in everyone said
Jaws bit her nose. Jaws bit her nose.
Jaws bit her nose. Jaws bit your sister’s nose.
Jaws bit your sister’s nose.
Ad nauseum. Bloody gobshites.

Maybe that’s what we all need.
As long as you’ve got your brother or sister
there beside you to hold your hand
and clean you up, mind.
The question is this,
Jaws bit my sister’s nose
when she was six,
has Jaws bit your nose yet?
Maybe that’s your problem, bud.

©2020 Camillus John


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Camillus John was bored and braised in Dublin and has had fiction published in The Stinging Fly, RTÉ Ten and Headstuff.org. Recently he killed the Prime Minister of Ireland in fiction in the Welch literary magazine, The Lonely Crowd, with a piece entitled, The Assassination of Enda Kenny (After Hilary Mantel). He’d also like to mention that St Pats won the FAI cup in 2014 for the first time in 53 years of not winning it.


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