The Cards by Andrew Scott

Cards

The Cards by Andrew Scott

Part One – The Shuffle

Another day by myself
in these enclosed walls
that is surrounding me,
pushing, pulling at my breakdown.

Have not eaten for days.
Nothing solid is staying down.
The change that is happening
all around me is making me sick.

Sleep has alluded me.
A sad effect that has
stayed with me since
I was young.
Mind races, over thinks
and I will feel worse.

They say men should not
act this weak
however we take loss
worse than a lady
that leaves to start over.

This is not the first time
that I have been left alone.
Changes have to be made within.
Where to start i do not know.
I am who I am.
Have never compromised that.

Not sure why this is overwhelming
to my senses.
This time there is pain.

See the left here pack of tarots.
One of the few things she left.
I start shuffling.
Maybe, just maybe
what I pull will guide my change.
Maybe.

Part Two – The Hermit

Not even sure if I should
pull my own cards out of the deck
but someone has too.

The Hermit is the first one
pulled and flipped over.
It is not the first time
I have heard this about myself.

First thought is maybe
I have to be more social.
A lot of people make me anxious
so I need to be alone to recharge.

Feel more comfortable in my home
with books to read
and all kinds of music
playing in the background.

There are times that it seems
that I am not seen for weeks.
Have always been that way.

My nerves start to tighten
if I do not spend the time
sheltered away in my space.

Gain knowledge by watching
and walking along by myself.
This part of me
I am not sure I can change.

Part Three – Justice

I stare at the next deal,
the shuffled card
that came to me, Justice.
Now that is a double-edged sword.
The questions of youth, balance, logic,
how intuition overrules everything.

Intuition has been taking over
since the days of my youth.
The first htrough was always
not to trust the people around me.
Sadly most proved to be right
especially the ones I grew up with.
Those are the ones that
shaped the mistrust
that I still carry.

That trust in no one
became ingrained in time
to everyone I have ever met.
People are capable of anything
under any circumstances.

The balance was not too share
my feelings and dreams were mine.
Hard to give that to other people
who may just laugh or take advantage.
That was not going to happen.

Not sure if that part of me
will ever fully change
so ingrained now.
Know it is unfair to others
that try to get close.

In hinesight I feel bad for them
and understand frustration.
There is no justice in that.

Part Four – The Sun

The next draw reminds me
of something I have not
seen for many days, the sun.

There is a bit of irony on this one.
The sun card can either
be a positive or a negative.
With how I feel right now
not sure which is which.

A lot of folks may say
I am a positive person.
There is so much to life
not to be, truly.

Like to stay away from
a bubbling negative energy.
Would rather lock myself away.
Believe that is where people
think I am depressed.
Spending time with self
and I have had those episodes before
and know how it feels
but usually searching for positive lights.

Part Five – The Chariot

Getting drowsy, the next card
is confusing, the Chariot.
It is about control or lack thereof.
I have both.

I quit drinking around others
due to not wanting them
to see things I do not control
well in front of others.

Came up with a saying,
if I was not sober
I would not do it
so I could remember
and feel life around me.

So many moments that
would have been great
to remember a lot of those times
instead of just nodding my head
when others reminisce
about those days or nights.

Had to describe how embarrassing
t is when a person walks up to you
and their face or voice is not familiar
or they realize the look on my face
is me not knowing.

Not invited to events anyore.
Try to stay away in order to keep control.
Sadly I know what happens
when a lot of liquor hits the lips
but I do not warn others.
Let them find out for themselves
just like I had too.

Not a prude like others think now
I do not remember
so now I salvage my control.

Part Six – Death

I just stared at the next one.
Was not expecting it
or thinking about picking this one.
The Death card.

Getting my breath back
I understand that they card
means a renewal or an end of a cycle
even though in the past
there was a death
that did change the path
I was taking at the time.

Thoughts of how many
life cycles I have been through.
Almost can label them each time.
The alcohol, divorce and depression cycles.
Have seen them all
and the scars are there.

It has always struck
me a very odd
each time a new cycle starts
people see the change in you
and leave as new people join
or you connect with people
that have not been around in years.

As the old path
leads to a new direction
cannot help but wonder
who will join
or what will happen?

Part Seven – Free Will

Shuffling, staring off,
getting so tired
my stomach hurts
but the thoughts of tomorrow
are keeping me awake.

Full of nervous energy
that has been given
from trying to discover my fate
through the drawing of cards
laying on the table before me.

The previous changes
came to me unexpectly.
Not sure why I would
even care this time.

Emotions and time
should travel naturally
and free will should be followed.

With all the thoughts this evening
about what tomorrow
or the next day will bring
kind of like not knowing
and being caught in the moment.
Feeling what it is to live,
guided by only fate and free will.

January 11, 2019
© Andrew Scott – Just A Maritime Boy 2019

 

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Bio: Andrew Scott is a native of Fredericton, NB. During his time as an active poet, Andrew Scott has taken the time to speak in front of a classrooms, judge poetry competitions as well as published worldwide in such publications as The Art of Being Human, Battered Shadows and The Broken Ones. His books, Snake With A Flower, The Phoenix Has Risen and The Storm Is Coming are available now

 

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